The next step was to wake up the next morning and try to figure out how to do life from this moment on. During the night I would wake up expecting to hear his cry to come and get him out of his bed. He did this almost every night. That cry never came. I didn’t sleep much that night even though I was completely exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually. In the early morning, we both laid in bed and were on our phones checking our face book pages. There were so many people sending their heart felt condolences and at that moment, I was so thankful for face book because it helped so much. We didn’t feel alone in our heartache. There is something so comforting to know that others care about your circumstances. So many people really don’t know what to say in those situations and are scared to call you. They want you to know that they are with you and they are sorry for what you are going through, and that’s where social media allowed them to express that, with one little comment. Honestly, we didn’t know what to say to each other.  I was trying to be strong for Ryder’s Dad and my boys yet trying to figure out how to pull my soul together. My heart was wondering where God had been and the voices in my head were taunting me, “Where is your God now?” My faith had been put on trial. I was wondering what I did wrong, I was questioning how this could have happened after God had brought us this far. He had given us this miracle as a staple and as glue to our family. Now he took him away. Even as all these thoughts were going through my mind, I was quickly reminded of Matthew 5:45 “for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him].”  This life is full of blessings, but along the way, there are times we get wounded just the same. WE ALL GO THROUGH BOTH regardless of our actions. We ALL will get slapped in the face with the pain this world has to offer. Even though I was going through the worst pain that I had ever experienced, somewhere deep inside, I knew God was there.  For the next few days,  as I had to get up, pull myself together, make some immediate decisions and take care of my family, God would give me such a peace that I could not explain it to people. I’ve heard these words all of my life. “He is my strength, He is my peace.” I’ve sang them in songs and I’ve used them to help people that were hurting, and I had even experienced them myself in so many times in my life. BUT this time, this time was different from anything that I had ever heard, spoke, or experienced. It was as if God himself had left heaven, came down,and covered me with a blanket of peace. People kept saying to me, you are so strong. I really wasn’t. The only strength that i could muster up was the ability to STILL call on Him. That’s all I did. He took over from there. I couldn’t tell others the peace that I had, nor did I know how to tell them,because it was so opposite from what I should be feeling right now. Phillipians 4:7 “and the peace of God, that surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” This scripture became so alive to me. I should have been in the bed, falling apart, distancing myself from everyone, not able to function, feeling as if I want to die myself. In my life when I would hear of tragedy that had fallen on others, I wondered how i would react or feel if something like that ever happened to me. I didn’t even want to think about it and would put it quickly out of my mind. This time, it was reality, it was me. I was living it myself. I can only tell you that the comfort I felt as I was going through this was supernatural. Totally against any human understanding. God showed up.                                                               At the funeral, it was such a blur now, and I don’t remember much about it. Many people came to give their respects, and I was so touched at the love from my friends and family. One of the women from our church came up to me. She told me that she kept Ryder in her class that last Sunday. He was the only baby so she decided to take him to the older class and put them together. In the class, Ryder found a picture of Jesus. She said that he picked up the picture and he carried it around. He kept kissing the picture. He had never done that before, we had never shown him a picture of Jesus like that. I felt like he knew who Jesus was in that picture and he loved him. He felt so comfortable with him, that he was kissing him just like he would kiss one of us. It was as if Jesus was preparing him to come home the week before he passed. I really needed to hear that. I felt like God was just giving me little nuggets to reassure where Ryder was and adding to my peace. My step father spoke at the funeral. Ryder was known for the way he would say goodbye anytime he left a place, or if someone left him, he would say loudly, BYEEEEE!!!!! He would do it over and over. He loved it. He would put up his hand and bend his little fingers up and down as he screamed BYEEEE!!! He would do it all the way out of daycare, over and over. He would do it as his brother would leave our house after visiting. He would stand at the door and watch him as he walked to his car and he would say BYEEEEE!!! until he pulled off. He would say it as we left from visiting my parents, all the way down the road. He did it all the time and it was very pronounced. As my step father concluded, he lifted his hand and bent his fingers up and down as he said one last goodbye from Ryder to everyone, BYEEEE!!  The next week, one of our members stood up in church and wanted to share with us what her neighbor told her. She had asked her neighbor to pray for our family. She told her neighbor that we had lost our baby. The neighbor came back to her a day or so later and said that she had dreamed of our baby. She said I don’t know if  the baby was a boy or a girl but the baby had blond curly hair and was sitting on the ground. An angel came up behind him. He put his little hand in the air and bent his fingers up and down and said BYEEEEE as the angel swept him up and took him to Heaven. I was so touched by this dream and I knew it was just another gift of comfort that God was giving me. A couple of weeks after the funeral, i pulled out the book from the funeral and every line was signed by the visitors who had showed up except the very last line. I already knew who that last line belonged to. It belonged to the One who was there, who had been there, who was with me through this whole thing. God showed up!