The morning after the worst day of our life, was a knock at the door. My parents were there on a Sunday morning. First thing I asked was, “are you not going to church?” My step father said to me “this is our church today”. I was still processing everything and was still in shock and couldn’t believe this was happening. I walked into the living room and ran across a pack of diapers on the floor. I immediately freaked out and asked for all of his things to be taken upstairs to his room. I went back to my room and waited for my family to move it all out of sight. I know that people deal with things differently, but for me, I could not see his things and stand upright. I had to be strong, I felt, and to see anything of his just put a dagger into my heart. It just reminded me that he should be there and he wasn’t. I should have been changing his diapers and feeding him breakfast, but I wasn’t. It should have been a normal Sunday morning, getting him ready for church and heading out of the door, but it wasn’t. The reality of it all was slapping me in the face and I couldn’t handle it. I wouldn’t be able to be normal. I would be acting like a person with no control and that couldn’t happen, I had to be the strong one. I couldn’t handle that kind of pain and I was trying to protect my heart from the darts of reality. So many people began to come by that day and bring food and comfort the best that they knew how. I wanted people there at the time,  so I would have to keep my composure and stay out of the bed. I needed them to help me stay strong. If we would have been alone, I don’t think I could have functioned in any capacity as a “normal” person.

During that week, after the funeral, I received books in the mail from one of my dear friends from Tennessee. I know she was hearing from God because those books saved my sanity. They were books on Heaven by Katt Kerr. They were all about what Heaven is like and what the children are doing there. Some people that heard me talk about these books, thought her accounts were far fetched, because it was a personal account of her experiencing Heaven and writing about it in great detail.  I didn’t think it was crazy and I welcomed every ounce of detail that I could get about my Ryder bug’s new home. It was the most comforting tangible piece of Heaven that I could hope for. I knew that Ryder was happy. I knew that he wasn’t scared and he wasn’t feeling any pain. He was there and it is such a wonderful place. It was a far cry from the place I was in, and I wanted to be there with him. I highly recommend these books to anyone who has lost a loved one. I understood the fact that some people would be skeptical of her writings, but my perspective was why not believe? I know heaven is real. She painted a beautiful picture and what harm would it be to believe her? It only brought joy to me and comfort. We can’t even begin to fathom what Heaven is like. Her account was so detailed and it was what I needed to get me through the grief I was experiencing. I was so thankful for my friend for sending me the books and the impact her gifts had on my life at the time.

I had to return to work the next week. Not that I had to because of my boss, but I had to for my sanity. They were so shocked that I came back so soon. I had never experienced this kind of pain in my life. I had no guidebook on how I was suppose to act or grieve. I just did what I thought would ease this pain. I felt if I stayed home, I would fall into such a depression, that I might not return. My husband wanted to stay home, but I encouraged him to get up and go back to work. Normalcy was going to have to be our way through this grief. My office sent postcards out to all of my patients to explain what had happened, so that I could have an easier transition back to my new norm. My patients are like family. We would always talk about our families and I just couldn’t handle them asking about Ryder while I was trying to drag my way through work. I would have to give them the news and I knew I would break down. I didn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable. I had so many cards and phone calls come in with comforting words from them. Some of my patients came in with hugs and tears and I was trying to comfort THEM. A few times I had to walk away, but if the subject came up, I would immediately respond with the peace and comfort that I found in Jesus. They were so shocked that I could be so strong, but like I said before, I wasn’t, it was all God. The peace was so supernatural that all I could say to people was it was God. I was, at the time, trying to keep myself together but I heard later,  so many people told me how I helped them with what they were going through, just seeing how I was handling this tragedy. I hope that from my pain of even writing this blog, that others who need this peace will be able to find Him through hearing of my experience. If anything good could come out of what I experienced, it would be for people to have a relationship with Him, even if they have to find Him through their own struggles. This is where he shows up in the most real way, in our pain. There were so many things that I did in my grief, and I’m not sure if they were right or wrong in others eyes. In reality I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a personal journey. Unique to each individual. I eventually gave away all of Ryder’s things to a friend that had a child about the same age. To me personally, I kept a few key things of his and I painted my house with his pictures. As hard as it was seeing the pictures, seeing his things on a regular basis hurt the most and would not allow me to go forward. We also went on a vacation, a cruise, the next month that we already had planned before it happened. It couldn’t have came at a better time.  I needed to get away to try to escape the grief. I wanted to get away from anyone that we knew, away from the calls and posts. I needed to not have to talk about it. I needed time away from reality and time to process my emotions. Anyone grieving should feel free to grieve in his/her own way. Its OK to grieve in whatever way that helps you make it through. No one knows what you are going through until they go through it themselves. There are books that I found later about the stages of grieving but it didn’t really tell you what to do. So I, as a grieving mother, to anyone else that is walking through this loss, want to extend the freedom to you to follow your own path to healing. Follow your own heart. You have just went through a great loss and you are the only who can determine what makes you feel better. For me, it was turning to my faith in God. He always shows up. Thanks for continuing to follow and share our journey through losing our blue eyes…..