A couple of months after our exclusive       beach wedding, (originally we wanted to elope, but my Mom wouldn’t have it) we decided that we wanted to fuse our blended family together with a new addition. A sibling to them all, and finally the feeling like we were able to relive our past. A chance to do it all again and do it the right way.  A new baby, that would prove to bring us all together. We made the decision and within the month, I took my pregnancy test, as Ryder’s Dad laid quietly on the bed, waiting to hear the results.  I giggled out loud as I saw the plus sign pop up immediately. He asked puzzled yet inquisitive, “why are you laughing?” I brought him the test, and said “we are pregnant”!! We were just in awe. We laid on the bed together and just basked in the news and the reality of it all. It was happening. It was really happening. From what had already happened in our lives, we should have not been shocked that it happened so quickly. It was like it had all been a dream thus far. Was it going to be a girl? Was it going to be a boy? Of course it would be a girl, because we already had three boys, we just knew this for sure. We continued to lay there and exchange plans and dreams for our little one. I was so excited and wanted everyone to know, I could hardly contain it. Our oldest son came into the living room the next morning and I told him that we were pregnant. He was in shock, but so excited.  I called my family and last but not least, I posted the test with the cute little plus sign on face book. Now it was out, and we were still in shock at the mere fact of how fast it happened. I was so thankful to God for the blessing, and the joy that he was bringing into an already blissful reunion.                                                                                     We had already picked out a name for our little girl, or at least I had,  Isabella Grace. I couldn’t wait to pick out all the cute little dresses, and all the pink pink pink with sparkles of course. The day came, and we went to the ultrasound. The excitement of seeing our little girl was just overwhelming.  As the sonogram was moving  smoothly back and forth over my rounded belly, we heard, its a boy! Can you say that again? A boy? How could we name a boy Isabella? Redo, redo!That was the name I was set on. Wow. A boy! OK. We had three boys already, so I thought a little estrogen would be nice and I would have a little side kick. It was going to be a boy….it took us by surprise, and I might have been in a little shock. We had this all planned out, why somehow we thought we could control these things now was beyond me. We left the office and went for a walk downtown. We just walked around holding hands in deep thought and in the surreal reality that our princess was going to be a prince. We quickly smiled at each other and began proposing boy names. All of our boys ironically had names that started with the letter D, so we would have to change this up. A new adventure was about to ensue with snips and snails and puppy dog tails instead of sugar and spice and everything nice. I simply prayed that if he was going to bless us with a cute little boy, if he could just pleaseeee have blue eyes. I know it sounds funny, but that could be a special little answer to prayer between God and I. That would be tricky, because we both had brown eyes and dark hair. My husband, jokingly of course, said a paternity test would be performed if he had blue eyes and blond hair lol. I knew that nothing was impossible for my God.                                                Ryder Dale Cannon was born on June 7th 2012, his Dad’s 40th birthday. Surprise, surprise!Happy birthday to Ryder’s Dad. This was his big party in the hospital, up all night with a newborn,and we wouldn’t have it any other way. He was such a blessing, and holding that munchkin for the first time just took my breath away.  Here he was, the promise, the gift, and he had blue eyes. Ha! God is so good. A month or so after he was born, I decided that I didn’t like his name. Funny right? So, we went to the health department, and I changed his name to Nicolas Ryder Cannon. The people there were a little confused, because I was changing his first name. They were use to people changing the last name of newborns, but the new name just flowed better you know? So here we were with our 1 month old, and his new name Nicolas Ryder. I loved it! THIS was who he was.  We still called him Ryder, just now it was his middle name. Of course time went on as it always does and he began to grow up so fast. He was such a big boy with bright beautiful BLUE eyes and curly blond hair. Oh, what a joy this was to our family. What a blessing the Lord had given to us. After all that we had been through to get back together, this was the gift bestowed upon us. Finally we would have our baby. We loved him like a treasured gift, and he was the light of his Daddy’s eyes and his Mommy’s heart. The boys were so in love with their little brother. They each had their own special bond with the new little Cannon. This boy was a brute, and he was tough as nails. He was so inquisitive, and he wanted to know what everything was, “that, that”. His first words. He started calling me “Ma” like a little Italian boy. He would call to his Dad “Bobby” when he wanted to get in the bed with us. It was so cute. We just couldn’t get over what God had done in our life and how he was taking care of our family all along the way. Ryder’s Dad was laid off when I was four months pregnant, but thankfully the insurance covered us with Cobra for the remainder of the next year. That was a blessing in itself. He stayed home with Ryder for a short time after he was born, and then was offered a new job. We were being taken care of time after time, and God was in all the little details. Our blended little family was just moving right along with life, but then the unthinkable.  The absolute unthinkable! Our little Ryder was given to us on loan from God for 21 masterfully orchestrated  months. He brought our family together in those few short months like nothing else could. A blended family is so hard sometimes. With our little angel, the family became fastened together, more than a marriage contract or any amount of love could do. He was a mix of us all and he gave us all a common bond. His beautiful contract was up now, and it was time for him to go home. It was the hardest day of my life, and a day that I wish I could forget.  I can’t stop crying now.  As I’m writing this, the thoughts are coming back to me, the flashbacks, the horror, the thought that God didn’t show up. He let me down. He let me down! I was screaming out to God with everything in me, all of my experience with answered prayer,  and the closeness I had with Him was my anchor. At that moment, my emotions and pain took over and I couldn’t believe God wasn’t performing a miracle with my baby boy. Where were you?! Where were you?! Please help me to understand what was happening. I needed Him more than ever now.